Do not agree to relationships that do not suit you. It's the only way to create a relationship that works for you. It is almost an obvious and not very smart principle but not many people follow it. I know a lot of stories where people stay in relationships that don't suit them. In these relationships they are physically beaten, emotionally humiliated, financially tyrannized - in short, these relationships are not at all safe and nourishing. It's hard for people in these relationships, their life in no way can be called happy... And they stay in these relationships anyway. Why stay? Mostly out of fear, whether you're lonely or judgmental. There were more reasons, of course, but in this case they were unnecessary. Knowing them won't make much difference. In this post I want to talk about something else. If you want a happy life, you should not agree to a relationship that does not suit you. I realize that this kind of appeal is very easy to misinterpret. Like, if my wife doesn't obey me unquestioningly, some man will decide, then this relationship doesn't suit me and I don't need to keep it. I knew a man like that - he would literally say the following: "If my wife doesn't listen to me, if my mother-in-law doesn't listen to me, then I have nothing to do in this house - there is no love here!". Of course, I'm not writing about such situations. That's not what I mean. If you are not satisfied with the relationship, you should not tolerate it, but change the situation vigorously. It is even possible to outline a short algorithm of such a change: 1. Admit that the relationship isn't satisfying. That is, honestly, without subterfuge, say out loud: "This relationship doesn't suit me.". It may be sad, or even sad, but say so. And better aloud to hear this confession in all its power. 2. Let your partner know that it doesn't suit me, I won't stay in it, but I don't want to leave. And then there is this list of changes. A small remark - it's better to make a list of changes in advance, and it's better to be very specific. Say, "Pay more attention to me" is bullshit, not change. But "let's spend every Saturday together, let's turn off our cell phones" is better. Another small remark. I am not the only one who has noticed that a conversation built on the position "I will not put up with this and if I have to, I will leave" often leads to the straightening of the partner's brain. Let's say a man who has never done anything around the house, suddenly starts fussing. And continues to fuss like that (in a positive sense, of course) all my life. Yeah, yeah, all my life. Only, of course, you should not just say "change, bastard, or I'll leave", but really leave, if the change did not happen. That is, you don't stay in a relationship you're not comfortable with. Don't settle for them. I will repeat the same in other words, for greater clarity. It's about the decision not to put up with a relationship you're not happy with. You go to the talks (about them below) are not with a dull bluff - "change or I'll leave. This bluff is utterly useless and only makes people feel blackmailed, to which people often respond in protest. You go into the negotiation with a clear decision of "I'll leave if things don't change for the better.". And here is the encounter with this decision just may turn on the partner's brain. May not include, undoubtedly. But the absence of this decision, the lack of such a position, the presence of a bluff "...or I'll leave" (despite the fact that you're going to stay in the relationship anyway) - this is the brain does not turn on. Guaranteed - it won't. It is important that your partner sees your firmness, your choice not to agree to a relationship you are not happy in. Then - the brain can turn on and conversations can go more or less well. 3. To negotiate and conclude a contract. That, of course, is the hardest part. Negotiations and contracts are taught primarily in a business setting and in a business context. Few people are taught how to negotiate as a couple. And yet, you have to start negotiating and reaching an agreement. Of course, there are no guarantees of a successful conclusion of these negotiations. You never know how they'll end. On the other hand, if you're not satisfied with the relationship anyway, it's better to end it if it can't be improved than to live and suffer. Imagine living in a relationship you're not happy in and having to suffer every day. From beatings, humiliation, tyranny, boorishness, false hopes, empty promises, ignoring, cheating.. I strongly insist that one should never agree to such a relationship. This is a crime. So I'll stress it again - you go into the negotiation with a firm decision not to settle for a relationship you're not happy with. If a negotiation ends badly, then you get out of that relationship. Don't just give the finger, but break up with the person calmly and with full understanding of what's going on. There is, of course, and another option - to reconsider your views on life and stop suffering. It's not the worst option, but I still doubt that it would be helpful for a woman who is beaten by her husband to reconsider her outlook on life and decide that "if he beats you, he loves you.". For some reason I do not believe that this will work here. I think if you want a happy life, you can not make such compromises. You cannot agree to a relationship that does not suit you - only to either rebuild that relationship or break up. It's the only way. Reasonable question - what to do if the relationship is not satisfying for both, but the satisfying relationship looks fundamentally different? How they should be? It's the same - negotiate and agree. It's not easy, but there's no other way. People, if they want to be together, after hard and persistent work, can negotiate.
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